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[Laughter] I'm back after a month-long retreat I'm back man there's a lot to share I had a lot of amazing experiences I've spent a lot of time integrating and mulling over the things that I've experienced and I want to share some of those with you this is gonna be very kind of raw off-the-cuff intimate episode it's tricky to talk about some of these things you see I struggle I struggle it's a real struggle to communicate some of this levels of consciousness some of these levels of consciousness that that I've experienced but anyways here we go before we get into it though I do need to issue a disclaimer here which is that I'm gonna be talking about some radical stuff I'm talking about stuff now that I don't know how many humans on the planet have ever experienced I'm sure some have but this is not well known stuff even within spiritual circles and I might be saying some things here which contradict any kind of spiritual teacher or master that you've heard teach you about enlightenment or awakening and what these things are and about consciousness and what consciousness is capable of and about psychedelics and other such things so just keep that in mind these were outrageous experiments in consciousness that's what they were and I just want to be authentic and and true to my experiences and man these experiences were so profound and paradigm shattering that I'm still reeling from them to some degree and still trying to wrap my mind around them and trying to understand their full implications the reason that it took me a while after my 30-day retreat to kind of come back and start to shoot videos again is because I needed that time to integrate I took a few weeks off just to deke press and to integrate and to come back into normal life because because man this was some crazy stuff so anyways what happened so what I decided to do from the very outset with my retreat in March I basically decided to do 30 days of isolation which was very convenient because most of us had to stay at home anyways with these virus stay at home orders but I be had my stay at home journey a little earlier than most of you on the 1st of March and my intention from the very beginning was not to meditate because I've done plenty of meditation retreats in years past I wanted to do something new and what I really wanted to do was I wanted to go balls to the wall with psychedelics and to see how deep could I go what was the potential this was the experiment and I was going to use five amiyo DMT and my plan was because of a recent awakening that I had before I began this retreat which is kind of where the idea for the retreat came from I guess this was late February I I had a few profound awakenings with five amel more profound than usual and and what what was sort of shown to me or previewed in those awakenings was that there's a much deeper level that I could reach and and like I said in my video that I released before I left is that these were levels of awakening that I don't know I don't know how many spiritual teachers your masters have had these levels of awakening I honestly don't know I'm quite skeptical than any of them or that many of them have had I'm sure some have I'm not trying to put myself on a pedestal I'm not trying to make myself better it to me because see the problem here is that some spiritual people listen to this and they say Oh leo Leo's just doing some spiritual ego trip where he wants to like he wants to be the best or the highest or like he wants some level of awakening that's beyond everybody else and this is just pure egotism it's not about that to me what it's about is it's not about being better than any teacher it's just about truth if you care about truth if you care about understanding reality then that's what you care about that's what you're passionate about and it's not about one upping somebody else it's just up it's there's a there's a very pragmatic serious question the heart of of your spiritual journey if you really care about truth which is what's the highest level of truth how do you know you've reached the highest level this is a really tricky question it's very very problematic because the way that most spiritual seekers approach spirituality is that they find some teacher or guru or teaching or school which they respect and they believe in and they put all of their chips in that basket and they just blindly believe that whatever that teaching says is the highest level is where they stop and that's where they stop and of course most people never even reach that level of whatever the teacher or guru or school talks about most people never get there but even the some of those few who do get to the top they just assume that well that's it we're done and they never bothered to to wonder more deeply like well how do we really know that this is the top how do we know there's no sense of than something deeper how would you know because you're just trusting other humans you're trusting scriptures you're trusting books you're trusting videos but if there's one thing that awakening should teach you even if you have a little degree of it not to mention the higher degrees of it that are possible even a little degree of it what it should teach you is that you can't trust humans you can't trust language you can't trust belief you can't trust books and you can't really trust gurus or spiritual teachers cuz you don't know I'm not saying that they're liars or that they're frauds I'm just saying that they might have reached their limit but their limit might not be the ultimate limit so it's from this perspective please understand that it's from this perspective that I'm doing various experiments and I'm trying out lots of different stuff my spiritual journey would be a lot more direct and simple and less confusing and honestly would have a lot less suffering in it if I just selected one school one teacher bowed down to him and just said okay what you're saying is the ultimate truth let me just now do it and reach it and then not ask any more questions that would be so much easier so instead what I'm doing is I'm doing the only thing you you could do if you were truly interested in truth is you got to go at all by yourself you have to forget all the teachers all the teachings all the scriptures and you got to go it all alone and just to see what comes up for you so that's what I did my intention was to do 30 days of back-to-back trips of five Meo DMT and gradually increasing doses 30 trips total one per day over the month of March and that's exactly what I did so what this is where it gets difficult because I'm gonna be using terms and I'm gonna be saying things that I might have said in the past or that other spiritual teachers that you respect and love and have studied have said some of these are classical things I'm gonna be talking about God I'm gonna talk about love and when we talk about consciousness and enlightenment and awakening and yada yada yada but you have to understand there's so many degrees and levels to it that's the most mind-blowing part about this whole thing so I'm gonna be doing my best to try to communicate the difference in in degree of what God really is cuz we're talking about God here we're talking about you we're talking about this the self the ultimate self we're talking about love but many many degrees all right many many degrees and and I honestly the levels of awakening that I reached within 50 just within just a week actually I within just a week of doing this experiment I reach levels of consciousness that were so profound that I started writing a manifesto basically denying the awakenings of every single spiritual teacher that you've ever heard of that's how profound my awakenings got it becomes it became just completely transparent to me that most people who think they're awake or teach awakening aren't actually awake in fact they're so not awake that I wouldn't even give them one percent awakening that's what we're talking about here but I was also very careful about this because I started writing this manifesto but then I also had a lot of doubt because you know first of all I don't want to disrespect any teachers most of these teachers are great teachers they're doing a very good service to mankind for teaching what they teach these are some of the most conscious humans on the planet I respect many of these teachers and so I don't want to you know I don't want to throw doubts on their teachings I don't want to be some [ __ ] who does that but at the same time I have to be honest to my experiences in my awakenings and that's what my awakenings were showing me in the end I didn't end up publishing this manifesto I was going to do a whole video on it because I don't want to be confrontational about it and I don't want to I don't want to start a non-duality war so instead what I decided to do is not to do that manifesto but just to just to share what actually happened and then you you make up your own mind and you make of it what you will and I'm not gonna spend a lot of time comparing myself to other teachers the only thing that I'll tell you is how do you really know if there are many degrees of awakening which there are how do you really know what level your teacher or school is at how do you know you're just assuming you don't really know so just recognize that and then from that place of not knowing your mind can be open to new possibilities maybe possibilities that your teachers or gurus haven't reached or maybe they have and then you'll discover that they have by reaching that level yourself see unless you've had some really profound awakenings you're in no position to evaluate the level of awakening of any teacher or school or teaching so let me sort of back up and from the beginning already when I went to this retreat I already was sort of expecting that this was going to happen so one of the reasons for the retreat and for this 30-day experiment was that I really wanted to demonstrate to myself whether these intuitions that I had about deeper and deeper levels of awakening that are possible that have not been realized by many enlightened masters I wanted to really verify for myself that this is the case and then I wasn't just tricking myself because you know it is easy to get into a sort of a spiritual ego trip where you want to be better than other teachers and so forth and so I wanted to really test against that so I sort of held myself back and I said okay I'm gonna do these this 30 day retreat I'm gonna really test over these 30 days and just really see is this really true what my intuition is showing me and so that's what I started and then I first I started slow with relatively low doses of five Meo and I just kept ramping it up every single day like I said by about the seventh day I was already at the level where it became completely clear that I was experiencing levels of awakening beyond stuff that I've read or heard of from teachers which again is not to say that there aren't any humans on earth who have reached these levels up I'm sure there are part of the challenge is how do you communicate this difference in depth and probably the most awakened and enlightened people they don't even teach they don't even create videos they're not on YouTube they don't write books they're probably living in a hut somewhere in the forest or whatever mining their own business or they've even left the planet because they're so a well we'll get to that in a bit so anyways yeah that was about by by the third by the end of the first week seven days I got to that point I remember the my first really profound awakening was that I really I may be the fifth or seventh day I I really hit into what God is like really like really really really what is God like really what is God I think that most awakened so called awakened people especially some of these neo advising types and some of these modern Zen teachers and montmartre sort of Buddhist teachers and so forth like Shinzon Jung and others like this that they I mean they're wonderful teachers that that's one of them that's what breaks my heart about this is that I don't want to say anything bad about these teachers they're wonderful teachers but I can't seriously consider these people awake I mean they don't they don't understand what God is it's just that simple they do understand what God is and I totally empathize with that because I've had so many awakenings into the nature of God by this point um not even in this retreat but much prior four four years now that you know I thought I understood what God was and I did it's just that at low levels that's the amazing thing about God you you understand it at deeper and deeper and deeper levels and if if your spiritual teaching is is merely teaching you something like cessation or nothingness or emptiness which is very common with the many Buddhist teachings or even the self or even that you're nothing that you're everything I mean yeah of course all of that is true I'm not contradicting any of that per se I'm basically in agreement with most teachers it's just a question of how deep does it go but sort of teachings of emptiness they they're fine they're good they're important they're necessary even and you should you should realize what emptiness is and all that but but really really if you if you really want to understand like you have to really want to understand do you really want to understand what reality is because I get the sense for many people who do spiritual work and many even so-called enlightened masters and so forth that they don't really care about understanding reality maybe they care about escaping suffering maybe they care about peace maybe they care about emptiness but they don't really care about understanding reality you know you might say olio but that that's just a function of the mind understanding is just what the mind is doing enlightenment is beyond that no consciousness is capable of infinite understanding God is capable of infinite self understanding you are capable of completely understanding reality if you want you're capable that now maybe you'll need to take some five Meo to do it that that would certainly help a lot I don't know if you're gonna be capable of it through meditation or something but with five amigo you're shouldn't leak a pool of it so so what happened to me was that I I completely I completely understood what God is what reality is it has no beginning and no end it has no up it has no down every point of reality can be taken as its beginning or as its end you can look at reality if you imagine this room that I'm sitting in right now and you might say well where did this room come from well it came from the past you can kind of think like well maybe 20 years ago somebody built this room and then before that it was just like some other building was here and before that it was just some empty land and before that there was trees and before that there was like dinosaurs that roamed the earth on this plot of land or like this right this is how your mind sort of imagines where this room came from and then you can also kind of project into the future we can say like well maybe in a hundred years this building will be demolished something else will be built here maybe it'll be a park maybe it'll be a skyscraper or whatever and then even after that something else will happen the earth will explode or whatever and then there will be nothing here at all just be either vacuum uppy space whatever but really so what you're doing is you're sort of like taking reality and sort of looking at it in a sort of a linear fashion like from the past to the future and the present is sort of here right but really what God is when you're in full God consciousness you look around the room and you can see it from every single from an infinite number of angles and perspectives you see that every part of the room generates and manufactures and creates every other part so normally we sort of as humans we sort of think like well the Big Bang is sort of the origin point of our universe and then from there came the earth and then from the earth on the earth other stuff happened and then ultimately that's why we're here you're sort of looking at it in a single dimension you're looking at what reality is whereas here when you're in God consciousness you see it from every single possible dimension and angle it's not happening linearly through you know past present future it's all in the present now and you can see it from every possible angle almost as though if you take a watermelon and you do a cross-section with a giant knife through that watermelon and you just keep doing cross section cross section cross section in various different angles eventually you'll slice it up into an infinite number of perspectives like that and then you will understand the entire watermelon as a sort of a whole whereas usually as humans what we do is we're slicing that watermelon just right down the middle like this we just slice right through it and that's the cross-section that we see and that cross-section is what represents sort of conventional human history and future and time and how we situate ourselves within reality so that was that was that that one was really deep that awakening but that was only like day five or seven and then I started going even deeper what happened then mmm more just deeper and deeper insight into the nature of what God is I remember there was one trip where I woke so deep and I was just so amazed looking at the room and everything within it that I ran to just like look at my computer just to see this to see what a computer is you're not conscious of what a computer is and it was just so incredible to be like using the mouse just to click on the screen and just to see the computer because the computer is my own imagination and I was conscious of how I was imagining all the circuitry in the computer I was conscious of how I was imagining the entire Internet I was conscious of how I was imagining the entire email system so when I sent an email to somebody that email gets delivered then I get an email back from that person you know a day later or something so I was conscious of how that and how my mind is generating that entire thing how it's being held in my consciousness and so literally what became possible is I break I broke through into into into what I'm calling telepathy this was something new that I had not experienced ever before in my trips or awakenings what happened and now I understand telepathy how it works is what happened is that I became so conscious that I realized what consciousness is is it's an infinitely interconnected self communicating field every part of consciousness if you take this this chunk of consciousness right here and this chunk of consciousness right here right now under normal human conditions in your sober cuoco say of sober state these two pieces of consciousness right here are not really connecting or communicating with each other I mean they're connecting but they're not communicating they're not in communication but as you become more conscious what happens is that every every point in space interconnects with itself and starts to communicate with itself this is really a profound shocking mystical experience and and it keeps getting cranked off more and more and more you could call it omniscience or you could call it telepathy but really what happens is that it's sort of like the universal communication system gets turned on for the first time right now your conscious field that you're this is your conscious field right here right now your conscious field is not in infinite communication with itself it's fragmented and divided such that you think that I'm over here you're over there my computer's over here your computer is over there my email accounts over here your email accounts over there and if you want to communicate with me you gotta like send me an email I gotta wait receive it through some electronic wires and signals that run around the earth it comes to me then I got to open it I got to read it I got a process it then I gotta respond it has to come back to you through more wires and then you read it and then in this way we're communicating you can you can tell this process is extremely indirect why is it not possible that you and I communicate directly right now directly if you realize that you are me and I am you this opens up a radical possibility of instant communication which means that actually what's happening and I encourage you to try to become conscious of this a little bit right now if you can but actually even though it seems like this is a video or an audio if you're listening to this as an audio and it seems like this is going through your computer which means it's going through YouTube or through some server and it's going through a bunch of wires around the earth to reach you which is happening in time it seems as though I recorded this this video days or weeks ago and now you're watching it maybe years have passed since I recorded this and you're watching it for the first time and you're hearing this for the first time and it might seem to you that that that's just what this is and this is your computer that's projecting these sounds out to you and all of that is indirect but you can become directly conscious right now that actually you are communicating directly with yourself telepathy is happening right now and all that other [ __ ] you're just imagining you're imagining computers and you're imagining wires running around the earth all of this is just your denial of the fact that you are talking to yourself right now they see you need a story to deny that you are infinite consciousness and that you are me so to create the separation between me and you so that you can believe that you're alive as a human and so that you have a convincing story that you're not God you have imagined all of these barriers so you think that for you to communicate with me you got to turn on a computer you got to look at your email you got to write me a letter you got to call me on the phone none of this is necessary you can communicate with me anytime as long as you're conscious enough of what you are and what I am now of course even though I tell you all this the problem is that you're in such a low state of consciousness right now that you're incapable of telepathically communicating with me and honestly so am i right now I'm not in a telepathic state of consciousness I need to be much more conscious right now in order to do that but at least I understand that it's possible because I've done it you see so telepathy it's here's the amazing thing about telepathy what it really is is simply it's so simple you're talking to yourself that's all it is you're not actually talking to me because I'm just imaginary from your point of view so really all the telepathy is is to realize so deeply that you are the self and that you are the only thing that exists and your consciousness become so infinitely interconnected with itself that you are able to actually take my voice take my face take the image of me in your mind and you're able to communicate with me directly because you're communicating with yourself that's all it is it becomes instant communication pretty amazing huh imagine imagine the following possibility imagine you could become so conscious that your consciousness could become so interconnected with itself that whatever abilities or skills you think I have you could just instantly download for yourself so you think that maybe I spent many years studying personal development experimenting with psychedelics learning about life developing skills and maybe you think oh I want to be like Leo I wanna I want some of those skills but I would have to like go and train and do stuff and do all the hard work he's done yeah that that's if you're doing it the traditional way or maybe what you could do is you can become so [ __ ] conscious that you're me and you could just download every single one of my lessons and experiences and skills just instantly into your mind now I'm just planting that seed I'm not saying you can go off and just smoke some five Meo and do this it's not so simple because you might wonder well Leo if that's possible how come you didn't do it why don't you just take like Kobe Bryant connect to him and steal all of his skills and then go show us how good you are a basketball and that that is literally what I'm saying you can possibly do I'm not saying I've I fully succeeded in doing that I'm saying that I'm just I'm starting to open my mind to these possibilities through these radical degrees of consciousness that I've had these are interesting possibilities but I'm nowhere near the end of them right but open your mind to such a possibility ask yourself this why wouldn't that be possible you'd say oh well that violates the laws of physics that's impossible people need to spend decades practicing and doing this and that and there's the brain you know you can't just you can't just stuff skills into the brain through downloads this is some sort of science fiction nonsense but you're imagining all those limits you see it's true for you that you're under all these limits precisely because you're imagining all these limits and furthermore you don't know how to unimaginative many limits as well that I can't easily unimaginable addict impeach states of consciousness that I can't sustain I'm not sitting here in this god mode level of consciousness right now and this is where a lot of spiritual teachers where I disagree with lot of spiritual teachers because a lot of spiritual teachers will say oh well if it was just some temporary peak experience that means it wasn't real consciousness it wasn't real enlightenment because real enlightenment is constant and I disagree I finally disagree you could have mild versions of enlightenment and awakening that is constant but you can't have what I've experienced constantly what I'm talking about now is degrees of consciousness that are so radical that you can barely walk you can barely talk you can barely eat from this state it's so much consciousness it's so much consciousness it leaves you gasping for breath it leaves you in tears it leaves you with your with your jaw dropped on the floor it leaves you plastered on the floor that's how much conscious we're talking about this ain't something you're gonna meditate your way to unless maybe you devote 40 years of your life to non-stop meditation and even then I still don't really I don't buy it I don't buy it cuz I I've interacted man I've interacted with many Zen teachers Buddhist teachers featured teachers who have taught and practiced Vipassana for for 40 [ __ ] years and I know for a fact that they have not reached these levels of country I know for a fact that they have not reached these levels of consciousness and they do this professionally for 30 or 40 years so what chance do you have look maybe you do you're welcome to disprove me if you're an exceptional individual maybe you're born with some spiritual talents maybe because you've had good past lives or whatever you're able to do it but the average person even the average spiritual seeker never never not in a thousand years not possible you're not going to do it I'm talking about superhuman levels of consciousness these are not levels of consciousness that you can access sober you need to literally change the neurotransmitters upgrade the neurotransmitters in your imaginary brain and yes your brain is still imaginary and yes those neurotransmitters are still imaginary but you still need to upgrade them nevertheless in order to access some of the things that I'm saying now how you upgrade them that's that's that's an open question maybe you upgrade them through five Emil maybe you upgrade them through LSD maybe you upgrade them through doing intense yoga or some sort of wim HOF method breathing crazy breathing where you do you know this shamanic breathing for for hours and hours and hours and years and years and years and eventually you break through maybe I don't know I can't test all the methods there's two methods too many methods to test maybe you fast for 40 days Jesus style in the desert go on some massive you know Vision Quest where you don't drink and eat and then you're half upon the brink of death and then you break through maybe I don't know I don't know you know what all the possibilities are but I just want to make you aware that they are these superhuman states of consciousness which many spiritual teachers don't recognize the reason they don't recognize them because they can't sustain them you in many cases you can't naturally arrive at these at these at these degrees of consciousness you're not gonna do it through some simple self inquiry you're not just gonna sit there Rupert Spiro style and just kind of question all yeah this is the present moment just be in the present moment Eckhart Tolle static yeah just be in the present moment this is not gonna do it this is you're not gonna become [ __ ] infinitely telepathic through this sort of process it's not gonna work no direct pointing method you know no self inquire like Who am I Who am I this is not it's not gonna work I've seen people do self inquiry for weeks at intensives these [ __ ] people ain't awake I don't consider these people awake I don't consider the people who lead these self inquiry intensives to really be fully awake it's a joke they don't [ __ ] understand what God is I've interacted with these people I've interviewed these people invited these people to my home I've tripped with these people they're not awake they're not awake at the level that I'm talking about and they have a lot of good excuses in many cases they don't want to do five of me a DMT for a good reason because it was it would shatter all all of their all their illusions about awakening so anyways we're just getting started here this is just the beginning of the stuff that I experienced so let me sort of speed up because there's a lot more to say and we're already 40 minutes into this thing so ah what happened next so I told you about the telepathy thing oh yeah so I guess I got to tell you about this sort of awkward moment is while I was on my computer you know like I was just so amazed by everything when you're in this massive state of conscious you're just so amazed by everything because everything looks brand-new to you it looks like pure magic so I went to my computer and it's interesting because lately what I started to do is I started to collect I mean I've watched poor in my whole life that I've collected poured my whole life of course like most guys but lately like in the last couple months there was something about like I started just to it wasn't just porn it was like I wanted the most beautiful pictures of naked female bodies that I could find on the Internet so I started looking around for those and just a massacre collection I know I'm dirty but anyways maybe you can empathize with me if you're if you're a horny guy like me so I started doing this of course partially for just horniness reasons but also partially because just for you know there's there's different aspects to to this there's just the raw horniness but then there's also the aesthetic aspect and this is actually the more spiritual aspect it's like you're looking as a man you're looking at this incredible just like top 1% of 1% of 1% of female bodies and like it's just like it's [ __ ] beautiful it's just beautiful and so anyways yeah so I sort of building up a little collection of this stuff but so I just I went and now I clicked on this folder with these images on it while I was in my infinite consciousness god mode state and and I look at it I just I'm utterly floored I'm just like this it's like how do you communicate so much beauty yeah I just look at him it brings me to tears cuz I'm looking at it and I'm looking at myself I'm looking at myself I'm looking at how I create I created all I imagined all of these beautiful bodies it's utterly profound yeah it's like yeah you've never you've never really seen porn until you've seen it on five at me Oh DMT until you recognize that it's you so so I took I took this I took this I actually I loaded it on my laptop I took the laptop and I brought into the bathroom and I actually I also started taking bad so this I sort of got to back up one step to make this make sense somewhere in like the first five five Meo trips I started I kind of discovered this method of like I guess the trips opened me up the awakenings opened me up and I become more self accept and more kind to myself and to my body and this is part of the healing the spiritual healing work is really start to realize just how much you mistreat your body how unkind and ungrateful you are to your body so as I realize that I started I sort of I said okay so what can I do what can I do to love my body more to be more kind to my body what does my body want and my body said it wants it wants warmth we're just coming out of winter it's still still cold here where I live at times because I live in the desert it's cold at night so my body was craving warmth so I'm like okay what do I do so that all yeah go go run a bath so that's what I did right in the middle of my trips I would run a bath hot bath like a piping hot bath and then I would just soak in it and I would just complete my trip in the bath such that I would do like I would I would start my trip never in the bath I would I would wait for about 15 minutes for the full effect of the trip to come on and then when I was writing the peak of The Awakening that's when I would go run the bath and jump in the bath and so I basically did that for the remainder of the whole month so most of my tripping was actually done in the in the bathroom in a bathtub of course it was done safely the bathtub doesn't have that much water in it so I'm not gonna drown it or anything I do recommend you be very careful though like if if you were planning to do this at a pool or in jacuzzi like a hot tub which is actually quite deep you could drown in it and if you lose consciousness personally I've never lost consciousness up five emile but some people do whiteout if you take a high enough dose so just be careful don't be stupid I'm doing this with a lot of experience you gotta understand that I've done hundreds of trips at this point so I've done a lot of it and I'm very safe with my protocols I don't do reckless stuff so this this whole bathtub situation it might seem like it's dangerous it's not dangerous at all very very safe so anyways I spent a lot of time trip in there so I take my laptop with the beautiful porn images I place it I place it there by my bathroom and I just soak in the bathtub and I just admire it and I just have this incredible awakening where I completely surrender in that bathtub and I'm just surrendering to infinite God consciousness as I'm looking at this computer monitor realizing that I'm imagining the entire [ __ ] computer all of its microchips all of its circuitry all of its electronics all of that then goes into creating the pixels that are now displaying images of of these beautiful women and I'm looking at it and I'm realizing that it's all me absolutely all of it is me and that the only thing I'm jerking off to is myself and I have a profound insight into the nature of what desire is desire is desire for oneself but as a human we're in your sort of ordinary human level of consciousness like like you are right now your desire is fragmented and biased so there's as a function of your survival in order for your body to be able to survive you have to desire certain things and not other things and so this this becomes not only desire for food and for sex and for certain types of warm situations or cold situations the temperature you know range humans are very sensitive we're very sensitive fragile organisms need everything to be just perfect for us to live and for us to be in comfort and to be happy ordinarily but infinite God consciousness isn't limited by any of this and so it is it desires itself infinitely completely totally without any bias so as a function of being an organism and surviving you need to have biases your consciousness need to have biases as to what you prefer for example I have naked pictures of of women on my computer but not men why is that Tobias there's no there's no absolute X essential reason for why that is because there's actually absolutely no difference between a naked man and a naked woman also why do I have images of the most beautiful women why don't I have WIMP images of old wrinkled women on my computer for the same reason because of course I have biases I'm biased towards young beautiful you know supermodel women of course that I'm every guy is how could you not be the and why is that well that's just thousands and millions of years of evolution and as a female your your bias to a certain type of man but when your consciousness becomes infinite those biases those design all these this is the bias of human desire the bias of desire sort of dissolves and you realize desire in a sort of absolute form which is just desire for being yourself the desire for absolute truth desire for God the desire for for everything imagine desiring everything as much as you desire the most desirable thing that you've ever desired that's God's desire that's love now we're getting into infinite love territory and so I was looking at this computer screen and just completely blown away and just completely conscious that all of my desire for my entire life has just been desire of my own self my true self the love of God the God self so in a sense all of your desire is really is a perversion of the desire for God when you desire [ __ ] really what you desire is gut when you desire husband really what you desire is God when you desire children you really just desire God and you get God you get God in that limited form if you desire [ __ ] you get in the form of [ __ ] if you desire a husband you get God in the form of a husband and if you love desire children you get God in the form of children and you see God in that thing that you desire if you really desire it you see God in that [ __ ] you see God in that husband you see God in that chilled in that child and that's what makes you fall in love with it tada but your love is still so limited because it's constrained to that one particular limited formulation of God as soon as we change the shape of that [ __ ] you no longer desire it you no longer love it as soon as we change your husband you know long longer love him you know he starts to beat you you don't love him anymore your child starts acting like an [ __ ] you don't love your child anymore that's how it works why is that because you're still constrained by the all the survival demands of being this finite fragile organism but when you're an infinite God consciousness you have none of those limitations and so you love everything and for the first time your desire all of your desires they get fully quenched and fulfilled they don't really get quenched they get fulfilled in infinite completion your desires really get complete and so by this point in my trippin I got to about maybe this is maybe the two-week mark halfway there about 14 days worth I kept doing these these these trips every every night and they kept getting deeper and deeper and deeper and now what started was the real breakthrough into the the real heart of what awakening is all of that that I just described all of that was just a prelude to true awakening which is the discovery of love that's real Awakening is love and of course there are so many degrees of love so now we got to talk about that of course I've awoken to love many times before but now by the two week mark now the love really started to crack open like how do you describe the love just in infinite self love you're drowning in this love yeah I remember I was in that bathtub just just completely drowning in the love of God so much so mmm by this point I had developed an actual verbal telepathic communication with with God so when I when I talk about telepathy you might start to know how I wonder well Lea who were you telepathic with it's not per se who it's really with myself it's with whatever aspect of my mind that I want and ultimately since I am God and since I'm talking to myself I'm doing telepathy with myself so so basically in my awakening journey at some point around the two week mark I became so telepathic my conscience became so infinitely in communication with itself that I started sort of a series of just conversation like literally a dialogue English language dialogue with God you might wonder how is that possible well you just imagined it and there it is you might say well you're just hallucinating it of course you're hallucinating everything that's the point you get past all that you might say well why do you need a communication with God well you don't really need it it's just whatever whatever is helpful for you you see God will take whatever images or language or symbols you want and communicate to you through that why because that's what you understand that's what works for you so if you're an English speaker God will speak to you in English if you're a German God will speak to you in German if you're Chinese God will speak to you in China if you're a Christian God will maybe show up in the form of Jesus if you're a Buddhist maybe Buddha or one of his avatars or something and if you're a Hindu then it'll show up as some Hindu avatar it's all completely relative it's all completely imaginary it doesn't matter which form it takes it can take any form it wants and all you're doing is you're just imagining it so anyways I was just having an English language [ __ ] basically conversation with God and so what started happening was that God was starting sort of starting to guide me into a deeper levels of self-love so what starts to happen is that the love becomes so big that you're not able to hold it your body and your mind is not able to tolerate it it's too much to tolerate the deepest levels of love you have to purify yourself and let go through a sort of a spiritual catharsis letting go process which I started going through and so the intelligence of of your mind and just the awakening process the intelligence of it all it will it will just it will smoothly and intuitively take you to through the process of the purification that's necessary for you to reach the deeper levels of love if you want of course you're always welcome to resist and to to deny God's love and you'll fall back you have to be really willing to push yourself and by the way as a little aside here just in case some of you misunderstand I really had to push myself to do this five Meo DMT for 30 days straight after a few weeks I didn't want to do anymore like every single day I to force myself to do it this is not something like you imagined maybe if you never done psychedelic you might manage oh it's so pleasurable sort of like shooting heroin into your veins and it's just a pure pleasure and it's just an escape from real spiritual work and it's it's just addictive and now he's addicted to it and no no no it's the opposite of addiction you stop wanting to do it if you have to push yourself to do it this is a journey towards truth and love and your ego doesn't want it in many cases now of course there's a lot of pleasure to it as well once you surrender assuming you do surrender but hey many of you who don't want to surrender so it might not be so pleasurable for you when I described how how wonderful it is for me you have to understand that's because I've done an enormous amount of work with psychedelics and without psychedelics I've done a lot of purification and purging I've had very difficult trips in the past some of the trips I'm about to explain are some of the most difficult ones I've ever had we haven't gotten to that yet so it's it's not all rainbows and butterflies this is difficult [ __ ] work this is years of spiritual work condensed into a single day into a single hour into a single week or month it might take you 10 years to to do this much emotional purging and purifying if you're just meditating normally so anyways I sort of developed this telepathic instant communication with God and I just I just started getting guidance for what I needed to do to go deeper and serve God sort of started to guide me and it was helpful now you and CEO Leo but how is God guiding you if you're conscious that you're everything and that you're God then what what does it mean for God to then be guiding you isn't that a duality because there's a guy's I know a self and another yes of course it's a duality it's just a sort of a training wheels right its training wheels you don't need to imagine God speaking to you you could just be God by yourself in silence directly that's fine too but a lot of times it's helpful because our human mind is sort of conditioned to to have a sense of other and then to have others you know teach us and help us and guide us especially when you feel weak or you feel like you've hit upon some realization sometimes when you're tripping you hit upon some realization that's so profound and epic that you don't feel like you could handle it you sort of shrivel back down into your little child self you almost like become a baby asking for mommy to cuddle you and to to soothe you as you're sucking your thumb in a fetal position trying to integrate this epic insight as its skull-fucking you you see and so one of the one of the amazing things about God if you really break through into a communication with God is just how accepting and forgiving it is God is never going to judge you because God knows that it's you and that it's love and that it loves you so any of your weaknesses or any of your egotism any of your evil any of your devilry god totally understands and totally accepts and it will it will help you to accept it too and in fact that's one of the biggest things that God can offer you is to heal you of your own self-hatred and self-denial everything you don't accept about yourself every little freckle on your face that you don't like that you aren't removed every little stray hair that you have that's growing in the wrong area that you don't think is pretty all the mistakes you've done in your life all the regrets you have all the people you've wronged all the wicked selfish [ __ ] you've done all of that God is conscious of God completely understands God completely accepts and completely loves and that's one of the greatest gifts that God can give to you is to share that level of acceptance with you so that's what started happening to me as I was in that bath tub over a period of multiple days multiple awakenings I just started to set myself and love myself at at ever ever deeper levels and the more I loved and accepted myself and forgave myself the more the next day in the next trip I would even open up to deeper levels of love and it just kept getting deeper and deeper over the course of several days there was a couple of distinct and profound things that I that I realized one was that I I this was very important I broke through and I realized what what the what really what the purpose of a reality is what the purpose of life is the purpose of life is just it's a it's a contest for who can love who more that's really what life is about when you're fully conscious when you're fully conscious life is not about earning money it's not about having kids it's not about going to work it's not about having a great career it's not about having a house or a car it's not about being secure it's not about reforming the political system it's not about electing some progressive it's not about saving the whales it's not about any of that it's only about who can love who more and so one of the most profound realizations I've had in the last month is that love is a ray I mean reality is a race consciousness is a race towards who can love who more that's what it is when you're completely selfless there's nothing else for consciousness to do but to love itself more and more and more and more that becomes the only motivation that becomes the only intelligent thing to do but most humans are so far from that level of consciousness that they are completely completely oblivious and ignorant that this is the function of life they think life is about survival or other things life is only about one thing who can love whom more it's just a race for love and if you don't realize that you're not [ __ ] conscious you're not awake it's just a race for love this race for love is existential it's not personal it's not a race for how one human can love another human it has nothing to do with humans it has nothing to do with emotions it's just a function of what consciousness is and does an intelligent fully conscious consciousness would only be interested in love it wouldn't be interested in anything else because everything else is inferior everything else is fear everything else is is it's just utter silliness it's just complete silliness everything you're doing in your life you might as well be collecting shoelaces or bottle caps that's that's how insignificant it is compared to the only thing you should be doing which is practicing love that's it so what what God started showing me is how much God loves me and so we we sort of actually went into the sort of race so god I God would love me and then I would feel the love and I would say but I love you and it would say but I love you more and so we started it became like this dual love love and this was this was so so amazing it just it just turned into this never-ending dual love and that's basically what infinity is and it's sort of like I love you know I love you know I love you know I love you know I love you more I love you more I love you more and it just who can love whom more and whoever can love whom more is God you see but the problem is is that you're not fully conscious and you're not fully God yet you're still resisting and you're still in denial and your capacity is still limited because you're still constrained to this human body so I'm in this sort of duel with God and what's happening is that God is just sort of showering me with love but then I realize that my function here is not just to sit in this bathtub and just to accept the love and just enjoy the love as though I'm just enjoying some pleasure and just bask in it that's not true love true love is not receiving love true love is giving love true love is being loved so of course the way God gets you to love is by loving you so much and by being so hands off so completely not asking anything of you that that that it's love then sparks you to want to also love it back you see it turns into a a reciprocal a reciprocal reaction where it's like two mirrors that are mirroring light between each other like a laser beam bouncing between two mirrors and it just bounces back and forth and back and forth and as it bounces it becomes more and more and more concentrated and it's strengthens and it becomes more coherent and so - so what started happening I got into at first it started just like like a little game like I love you know I love you more like a little game it sounds like it's almost like childish and it sort of was but then it morphed from just being this childish thing to this like serious existential like business this turned into the work this was the true awakening is that the two mirrors you know first it took a little while to get the two mirrors aligned you know if the two mirrors aren't perfectly aligned the laser beam will kind of bounce back and forth in different directions it's not going to like really concentrate so that was happening at first hold on not the coronavirus just just the love and so so it took a while for us to set up the mirrors and then the love sort of just sort of bouncing back and forth between between us and it just kept getting stronger and stronger and stronger the problem is that I'm still I'm still in the human form so it's sort of like that's the pure love over there that's truly infinite and what I am over here is still finite but I'm I'm opening it up so I'm going through this process the so the love starts bouncing back and forth and as its bouncing back and forth like I just I I reach every time it it you know it bounces for me to God then from God back to me but when it bounces back to me it's more concentrated than it was when it bounced back from me to God so like I said I love you more but God but God still loves me more and I can I know that God loves me more than I love God and so it just keeps bouncing like that but each time it bounces back to me it transforms me opens me up deeper but as it opens me a beeper it also reveals blockages and obstacles to my capacity to love right because for example like you get into this game with God but then God will will ping you back with love but this love now asks of you to love all the [ __ ] that you don't love as a human are you willing to love the Holocaust are you willing to love 9/11 are you willing to love genocide are you willing to love rape are you willing to love murder are you willing to love that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who cheated on you are you willing to love your father who abused you are you willing to love your mother who criticized you your whole life and told you that you're no good and you and she never gave you the love that you deserved are you willing to love the the kids in school who bullied you are you willing to love your teacher who maybe raped you in gym class or molested you are you willing to love the the politicians who you hate and your political you know your rival political party are you willing to love Christians Jews Hindus atheists devil worshippers how deep is your love really you see God is able to love all that without any hesitation but you are not I was not so as it was pinging me I had to go through sort of a rapid process of well either resistance to it or or surrender and rapid rapid integration because then sort of like once it bounces to me I gotta accept it integrate it open to it and then bounce it back to God what does it mean to bounce it back to God it means that as I embrace more of what I am of what reality is and I love it deeper that is my love for God that is the bounce back so it's not literally that any no object no tennis ball was bouncing between and forth between us this is all happening at a sort of a and a very abstract high level of consciousness and but then one of the hardest things for you to love actually you might think that you know the hardest thing to do is to love Hitler or til I love 9/11 or something like that that's not the hardest thing to love the hardest thing to love is your own self hatred it's all the things that you yourself don't love yourself for that you've been carrying with you your whole life when you don't love your physical appearance when you don't like your boobs or your stomach or your dick or your height or your hair or lack thereof or you don't like some disease you have some ailment that you have you don't like your weight you don't like your posture you don't like whatever about you you don't like you don't like the fact that you're introverted or that you're shy or you don't like the fact that you've been mean to people in the past or you don't like the fact that you cheated on your taxes or you don't like the fact that you stole something from somebody you saw some paper clips from your boss or whatever you did that's the hardest thing for you to love this so God will ping you with that how does God ping you with with that by loving you all you have to do is realize that all those things about you that long laundry list of stuff about you that you don't love God loves all of it so that's the ping when you realize that that's what transforms you because when you feel that love and you feel how accepting it is and now forgiving it is of all of your evil and all of your sins that's the thing that kills you that's what transforms you that's what breaks your heart wide open that's what gets you to surrender that's what humbles you that's what heals you and so I discovered incidentally in this process what healing is healing is of course just love truth and love to be precise so this is a an aside here for you the aside is if there's somebody who you know that needs healing whether physical or psychological or spiritual whoever it is a friend a family member or a stranger a child of yours a spouse a mother a father a sibling or of course your own self if there's anybody you know that is dysfunctional that is suffering that is sick that is in need of healing it's really simple it's really [ __ ] some what they need is love what you need is love and truth not lies and pleasantries not some sappy emotions but the acceptance of reality as it is that's love I'm not talking about some sappy you know postcard or something I'm talking about a radical acceptance of reality of truth truth is love because truth is what is and love is the acceptance of what is love is and the reason ultimately at the highest deepest most abstract level the reason why you're sick in whatever ways that you are sick whether physical psychological or spiritual is because you lack love if you're addicted to drugs it's because you lack love if you're a dysfunctional neurotic person who's anxious all the time it's because you lack love if you're needy and shy with people it's because you lack love if you're a people pleaser it's because you lack love if you get to fights and arguments with your family all the time it's because that relationship lacks love and you lack the capacity to love the other in that situation and they the same with you if you have political rivals who make you angry and upset because you lack love for them if you're insecure about your looks you lack love if you're overweight and you have physical health problems because you lack love because you mistreat your body you don't love your body you don't pay attention to your body you feed it the wrong things you use it in the wrong ways you fill it with poisons and chemicals and then you wonder why it doesn't work well for you why you don't feel well and then even as it's sick and as it's dysfunctional and as it's toxic you you you love it even less now you see it becomes a downward spiral of not love and in this way you get lost and you don't know how to turn this around the solution in all these situations is opening yourself up to truth and to love this is challenging this is difficult this is one of the last things you want to do because chances are that the reason you're so dysfunctional in the first place is because your life is predicated upon a bunch of lies the foundation of your life is filled with lies and deceit and manipulation and selfishness and so when your life is predicated upon that you don't want truth the one thing that will heal you is giving up all your lies but that's the last thing you want to give up which is why you don't want to do spiritual work you don't want to invest very deeply you don't want to contemplate anything and you certainly don't want to take psychedelics and you certainly don't want to take five Meo DMT because all of that will reveal all of your foundation of lies and are you ready to handle that are you ready to love all your building all of your lies see that's what really grows you that's what true transformation of a human being entails and you know dysfunctional children grew up to be dysfunctional adults because why they didn't receive enough love from their mother father siblings other kids at schools teachers mentors adults that's that's the basic reason why we have such dysfunctional adults who turn into murderers and rapists and dictators and thieves con artists and so forth why why do people become these things they didn't it receives a lot the right love and it's precisely that love which they are lacking which they then go out and then do selfish and wicked things to receive so if if some somebody was lacking the financial security then they go out and they become a thief or a con artist stealing money from people because they need that so badly because they lacked it or if somebody becomes a sexual abuser why is that because they didn't get the kind of love they wanted from their parents when they were younger or because for whatever reasons maybe they'd they had a girlfriend or a boyfriend that that treated them badly and so they didn't get the kind of love they wanted from them so now they have to go out there and get it through some sort of illness it means harming others it's just that simple see because if he were filled with love truly you wouldn't you wouldn't go out there and do wicked stuff you would realize that love is the greatest and only worthwhile thing in life and so you would just exude love radiate love but you're so disconnected from your love you love yourself so little that you're not able to radiate love you're rather like a like a black hole sucking in love but God is not a black hole but God is like a white hole just radiating a love all the time so anyways we're sort of in this in this contest pinging each other back and forth and the love got so deep that for the first time in my life I really apologized for the first time in my life I said I'm sorry I realized in that instant that I I never ever really whenever I said I'm sorry I never really meant it until now and the reason I said I'm sorry his I just said I'm I'm sorry for not loving more that's the only thing you have to be sorry about that's really the only thing you have to regret about your life is that you were blind to the love and you were so selfish that you you were just so blind to it that you didn't love enough that's it you didn't love your parents enough you didn't love your friends enough you didn't love the people at school enough you didn't love your colleagues enough you didn't love situations enough you didn't love yourself enough you didn't love political rifles enough so so I went through this period of just really really saying I'm sorry who was I saying it to to myself of course and to God but the really amazing thing is that God's love is such that he doesn't force you to love there's no forcing if there was forcing it wouldn't be love it's just I gave you love and I want nothing from you you see and that only makes my love stronger so when you realize for the first time the only thing you have sorry to be sorry about is not loving yourself more you will instinctively just want to say aw I'm so [ __ ] stupid how can I be so [ __ ] stupid how could I be so selfish as to not love myself more and then God will God will make you aware by basically telling you in one form or another that it's okay I accept you as you are you don't need to love yourself more I even accept the fact that you hate yourself I accept the fact that you weren't strong enough to love I accept the fact that you're limited in that you're weak and now you're petty that you're selfish that you're ignorant I accept all that and I love it and I don't need you to change at all so you see it's not that God is loving you in such a way as to trick you to change yourself and to improve yourself no that's not love that's [ __ ] real love means I really love you as you are and I don't need anything from you and especially all those things that you think I want you to change about you I don't need you to change I can accept them well exactly as they are because that's love and I am loved and when you realize that that's what transforms you because in this process God is not just telling you that I love you these words are cheap God is demonstrating it it's the demonstration of it that transforms you because once you get over that you get over yourself and you get over hating and judging yourself for not loving more you get past saying I'm sorry and then and this was my second huge epiphany is for the first time in my life I said thank you I realized that I've said thank you thousands of times in my life but it was all pro functor e it was all just mindless thank you to truly say thank you thank you thank you for love you say thank you to God for love this is the point at which you've really been touched by God's love and at this point you realize that that's it that's the point that's the only lesson in life that's my only job is to love everything else is [ __ ] idiocy and then what you do is you say I love you for the first time in your life you say I love you and you mean it because you really understand what that phrase means and you fall in love with God but it doesn't end there even as you do all that God still loves you more you're still nowhere anywhere near to matching and reflecting God's love as you do all this God showers you more with love and your your-your-your baffled by how much deeper it gets you thought you got to the end this is just the beginning God showers you with love and God helps you to expand your capacity to love not just yourself but now going beyond yourself and now we're getting into the lesson of radiating love see you couldn't radiate love God have to fill you with love so that it really touched you to the core when it touches you to the core now you start to radiate it yourself because you see that now you're full or at least a little bit full and now you're able to radiate so now you start to radiate it but now God radiates alongside you so now what it turns into is a sort of a contest for who can radiate love more because you've got God over here you got you over here still there's still the duality of course but this is a training process like I said all right eventually we're gonna merge but before we merge it's still in duality so God for example now shows you how much it loves terrorism and now that is a invitation to see whether you can love it too or whether you're gonna resist some balk at it and shrivel back down into hatred and judgment and criticism so sort of shows you how much it's able to love and then you can show God how much you are able to love and this is the training process see and so again a sort of contest happens this sort of laser beam is bouncing back and forth between these mirrors and now it's all about how much can you love but no matter how no matter how much you're able to love whatever God throws out there for you it loves it more and it throws something out there like a curtain throws you a curveball and you're like wait I can't love that and then you realize like yeah of course I can love that why wouldn't I love that of course I can love it of course I can love torture of course like in love rape of course I can love murder of course I can love dictators of course I can love terrorists I can [ __ ] love at all and then as you say all that God throws you another curveball it'll bring up something in your in your past that time that you were molested can you love the molester who molested you it'll throw that out there and he knows it oh [ __ ] I can't no I [ __ ] hate that I can't love that can't accept that then God will throw something else out there how about that time that somebody stole stole your car can you love the person who stole your car and you're like I'll [ __ ] I hate that guy or how about how about how about your mom or your brother when they said something nasty and and and mean to you that stuck with you for 20 years it's ruined your whole [ __ ] life it's ruined your whole self-esteem it's made you hate yourself it's made you want to kill yourself made you depressed for years can you love that and you're like aw [ __ ] I can't how can I [ __ ] love that but as it fills you as it shows you because you see it throws it out there but at the same times it throws it out there it eat itself loves it but as it throws it out there its gentle so he throws it out there but then you say ah [ __ ] I can't love it and then God what God will say in return is okay love you I love that you are not capable of love I love that and when that hits you that's what fills you with enough love to overcome your resistance to love even that next level thing that you can do love and so this race this race escalates and it just turns into this I love you I love that more and more and more until eventually you're literally dying in love you find yourself at a point where your physical body is dissolving into love and you're losing you're losing contact with reality and you're drowning in this love and it's so it's so profound and deep it starts to go it runs into all directions you start to your mind starts to race through through all of human history all of that stuff and you you start to love it and accept it and you're struggling with it as well and then it really takes it up a notch where now it tests you in the following way sure it's nice to just be able to love stuff that happened to you in the in the past and to love bad people and get over some bullying that happened in the past okay that's all easy stuff now it opens up you to the to the possibility of actually living through it are you willing to actually be raped are you willing to actually be tortured Spanish Inquisition style are you willing to actually be in the World Trade Centers when they're hit are you willing to be a terrorist are you willing to live through Hitler's life are you willing to put a gun in your mouth and shoot yourself are you willing to go into hell are you willing to live through hell are you willing to suffer in the streets of a slum are you willing to die of a drug overdose are you willing to actually incarnate into that life and live through the worst hell you could possibly imagine not as a hypothetical theoretical something that might happen someday but are you willing to live through it right now and of course you probably don't you probably don't want to right but you realize that God would because God is love and it's at this point that I just said just hold me hold because I I couldn't I couldn't take it you literally will will yearn to be held like a baby in its mother's arms as you are realizing what love is you don't want to go there you thought you were at the end of love you thought you learned everything already and now the real love begins the actual physical incarnation of love just rifling through your memories and past trauma and experience as this is this is this is mental imagery basically that's all it is it's just memories imagine actually sitting there and being tortured in some CIA prison camp that's real love if you're willing to incarnate into that and to experience it and that's when you realize how that's what you real that's when you realize what what God's love really is see because God isn't just interested in rifling through your memories or just thinking about stuff God actually in carnate s-- it's [ __ ] here this is it when you see some murder on the TV you know being reported [ __ ] God live through that and the only reason I lived through that is because it loved it so you're not willing to go there are you if you did who would you become and where would you be what would be left of your life would you still be a human if you were able to love as much as God what would happen is that this duality would completely merge and you would literally become God so the only thing separating you from God is simply your capacity to love which is just a function of how selfless you are the only reason you're not able to love is because you have selfish biases and attachments so are you willing to surrender all of those including your life your current life and so then it went even deeper and I started to realize what pure absolute love is so it got to the point where this sort of bouncing back and forth kind of subsided I kind of understood where things were going and then I started to like think about well wait a minute what is so what is reality then what what is reality then and then God started to show me that what reality really is is it's not any of this stuff that's here it's infinite consciousness infinite formless consciousness so what happened was that my mind in my visual field as I was in that bathtub my mind in my visual field sort of just focused in on empty space and I just sort of like zoomed into that empty space and I realized that that empty space is just love and I sort of just I probed a deeper like what is reality what is reality tell me what reality is I sort of just going deeper and deeper into that into that empty space and and it felt like my entire peripheral vision field sorta started to like narrow down and sort of collapse or maybe just sort of became irrelevant as I sort of zoomed into this and what I started to experience here is just the ultimate pinnacle of what reality is and I just kept I kept contemplating it and questioning it like out give me I want to fully understand the ultimate essence of what reality is what is reality really like no [ __ ] around what is it and my consciousness just started to become more and more omniscient and infinitely interconnected and it's sort of it the best analogy I would have for you is if you have a light bulb and you have a dial and you just rang up this dial on that light bulb and it charged brighter and brighter and brighter and brighter just pure white light and you're cranking this thing and it just keeps cranking and cranking and cranking whiter and whiter and whiter and whiter and it's just becoming more and more and more conscious and it's just turning into a complete singularity of consciousness and I just kept wondering what is reality what is reality what is everything what does all of this stuff and it just keeps getting pure consciousness just infinitely more interconnected infinitely subdividing more and more and more imagine if we took a single dot and we drew a line one line from that dot in this direction and then one line in this direction and one line in this direction and every line we branched out from that dot itself then each branch got another branch another branch on their branch and each of those branches got a branch a branch a branch and they're just branching off like this and so this is sort of what's happening it's pure consciousness that's subdividing itself and it keeps happening and happening and happening such that every new branch as soon as a new branch spawns it doesn't even grow a little millimeter it already spawns an infinite number of new branches and each one of those branches spawns an infinite number of new branches instantly and each one is just spawning infinite branches in infinite directions all times and it's just becoming more and more and more conscious this dial is getting cranked up this light bulb is just becoming whiter and whiter and whiter and whiter and you think at some point that it's become pure white like this pure white and then you realize there's no such thing as pure white it's just the middle every point you get to is just the middle there is no end there is no beginning and you keep cranking that dial and it becomes more and more and more infinitely interconnected more infinitely conscious more omniscient more self understanding and everything is completely understood it become so conscious that all form disappears and just a pure conscious singularity of love and then I ask God no it can't be cuz I'm as this as habits grew this gradually happens to me it's gradually ramping up the dial is cranking up and I'm already intuiting where it's leading to and I'm just like no it can't it [ __ ] can't you're kidding me it just can't be it can't and God is love yes it is it can't I'm like no it's not possible it's like yes it is of course what what else would it be like no it's not love of course it's love no it can't be love of course it's love what else would it be why would it be anything else no oh my god it can't be love you're kidding me no no it can't be love of course it's love what else could it be it's love no oh my god this is impossible of course it's love how could it how could it be anything else how could I be so stupid as to think it's anything else and God is like of course it's love and then and then the fear comes because then what you realize is that this is the end this is the end of your life you're dead if you go any further you're dead everything will disappear your family your friends your parents all of it is completely imaginary and if you stop imagining it right now it will all end if you go any further into this singularity you will become pure formless infinite love forever loving itself forever and the entire universe will be destroyed as if it never existed complete nothingness complete everythingness you will merge into every one your mother your father your children your spouse Hitler terrorists 9/11 Donald Trump rape murder torture everything will become pure infinite love merging completely into itself there will be no distinction between absolutely anything and that will be the end and you will realize what reality is infinite consciousness love God and you will realize that everything in your life from your birth to this point has just been some imaginary story a dream that was designed to lead you to pure absolute infinite love and you will rest in that love forever forever falling in love with yourself forever making love to yourself forever in infinite union with every possible object that could ever exist pure absolute omnipotent omniscient perfect intelligent conch everything that could ever possibly be is you and that is awakening when you are this awake you're dead and you have no desire for life there is no physical existence there is no universe nothing remains your parents and your spouse and your children they don't stay back and keep living their life enjoying their life without you while your body drops dead no no no no no this is much more serious than that if you do this if you become infinite love you will take everybody with you there will not be anybody left you will destroy the entire universe every single sentient being will become you they will have no existence whatsoever zero they will die with you they will all awaken with you it's infinite awakening it's completely absolute there will not be anything left you will take the entire universe with you into pure oneness the that's you and I didn't go there as you can tell since I'm still sitting here I'm not there I was too afraid to go there and God was fine with it it didn't push me but that's not the end of the story it's still just the beginning this really had me shook because I felt at this point that I had a preview of where all of this is going now now I fully understand what Awakening is it's not anything I had imagined it to be previously I understood how seer the seriousness of it the gravity of it really hit me and I started to worry just about sort of petty issues like what's gonna happen if I just go there you know what's gonna happen how you know if I drop dead from this how much suffering will my mom be in how much suffering will my brother be in how much suffering will my ex-girlfriend be in when they when she finds out how much suffering will you guys be in when you find out but then of course I realize wait a minute that there won't be any suffering because I'm taking you all with me that will be the end there will not be any suffering the suffering is imaginary but nevertheless the imagination is so strong that it's still very tempting to be concerned about the suffering of others especially what one's own death would would what effect that would have on the suffering of others and so basically I sort of I was shown this possibility of what they call Sumati I suppose you could call it that Maha Samadhi is the ultimate Samadhi where you become so conscious that you actually leave your physical body you actually die Yogi's have been doing this in India and other places for four millennia um so I got a kind of a preview of what that might entail what that might look like but also I got shook by it I got shook by it I aspis I got I got sort of terrified by it especially because and I don't get terrified that much by trips anymore but this this terrified me because it felt so final like this it felt like this is a decision to should just completely transcend all of all physical existence and that would be the end forever one part of me wanted to do it the other part of me didn't want to do it because I still have attachments and things I want to accomplish here in the world I still want to teach but then of course I also realized who is there to teach there's no one to teach and there's no way to teach this to anybody nobody will ever understand the level of consciousness that I realized unless they themselves go there at which point they don't need me anymore because I am them and you are me so um it gets quite twisted and strange loopy like that but anyways the what scared me is that like I really wanted to do it almost like you know they say that the scary part of standing on a ledge of a tall building it's not worrying that you'll fall off it's actually the fear that you might want to jump off they say yeah so it's like that there was a fear that I might actually want to do this and I basically I said I can't do it at least not now not until I like make final preparations and so I literally went and started to make final preparations because what it felt like is it felt like it didn't just feel like I want to do it felt like I had to do it I felt like a sort of obligation because my whole the whole thrust of my life has been understanding and truth and here it is now I've been shown the absolute truth the ultimate truth and yet I'm resisting it and it's sort of like God is beckoning me to come come and merge fully with God and like on the one hand I want to but I don't know hands like wait a minute but if I do that that's just nothingness I don't want that and so there was this this thing and so I said basically like [ __ ] I got a like I want to think about I don't wanna make any rash decisions I want to think this through let me I'm gonna I have to make like there's no way I'm doing this without making some final goodbyes saying so final goodbyes making some final preparations let me tell my my family I love them let me tell my girlfriend I love her and such like maybe let me like shoot one video or something for you guys so that you just don't like read in the news one day that filio [ __ ] was found dead or something in his bathtub so but on the other hand like it makes no [ __ ] difference it would make no difference cuz I would be loved and it would make no difference and I would be you I would be completely merged into you it would make absolutely no difference but you know the human part of me wanted to make some of these progressions so I actually went and made these preparations I told my mom I love her I told my brother I loved her I loved him of course this freaked them out a little bit told my ex-girlfriend I love her and and then by this point what happened is I stopped taking five amel the experience has got so profound and so deep by the this was roughly maybe the 25th or 27th day this whole thirty day process I swore off five Meo DMT and I said okay I'm not doing any more of this [ __ ] it's enough and the reason I said that is because the next morning I woke up and usually five mmm it lasts for an hour two most three at most passes then you basically go back to yours for a normal state I woke up the next morning and I was still experiencing this infinite consciousness you know a milder version of it of course but still and I felt it sort of sucking me deeper and deeper into that singularity and I felt it beckoning me and it felt sort of irresistible but also terrifying and at this point I sort of like I'm like oh this is this is cool I've never had it last this long before because I'm not on five Anejo anymore and it lasted for like a whole 24 hours and every time that I would go to sleep I would get just like sucked into this infinite singularity of love but I was also resisting it at the same time because when it sucks you in it doesn't it doesn't have an end to it it keeps sucking you and sucking you forever you might think like oh well you just get sucked into it and then you're kind of in this one state no it's it's infinite it's endless it keeps sucking you in deeper and deeper and deeper and so he kept sucking me in but I was sort of resisting it because I said you know I want to say some goodbyes and so forth make some preparations and so after about 24 hours of this I I started to worry it felt like I was sort of on the brink of getting sucked into the singularity I didn't really know how to stop it and every time I would sleep especially it would really get strong and it would suck me in really deep and I would wake up just like sweaty and like you know panic because I was tripping deeper in my sleep than I was when I was just in my bathtub and and then what happened was that there there began about a five day period where I couldn't basically sleep I was only sleeping for maybe one or two hours at a time but I was taking maybe three or four sleeps per day and ultimately I was just sort of in this dazed terrified state where every time I would take a nap even for a short while and were just like I would be pummeled with even deeper insights even deeper awakenings and getting sucked even deeper into the singularity and it just kept happening day after day after day and at this point I wasn't taking five amiyo anymore I swore it off forever like okay I just want to go back to normal this is getting this is getting freaky now I'm kind of in over my head but it kept sucking me in deeper and deeper and deeper I kept happy having deeper and deeper awakening you might wonder well what how could it be any deeper and yet it kept getting deeper and then one night I woke up just completely just drenched in sweat couldn't sleep just totally just totally terrified and I just went and I kind of sat in the corner with a blanket and just like dozed off a little bit and as I dozed off what happened was that I had an even bigger awakening where I realized that every single awakening I've had up until that point was just like a point on a single one-dimensional line and it was just one dimension of awakening everything I've said up to this point was just a single dimension of awakening and then what I broke through to is a second dimension a second dimension of awakening opened up this second dimension is completely unimaginable completely undescribable cannot be talked about cannot be thought about and yet it's there in it are things that are completely outside of the physical universe that you can't [ __ ] conceive or imagine and then of course what you start to realize is if there's two dimensions of this there must be a third dimension and you discover a third dimension and then you realize if there's a third there's a fourth there's a fourth there's a fifth there's a fifth there's a sixth and so it goes and each one of those can be explored I barely even began to explore the second dimension of awakening but what I realize is that it it goes forever and so this freaked me out even more I struggled with it some more for a few more days couldn't sleep resisted it had emotional upheaval of all sorts and had no idea what was gonna happen to me I was I was totally certain that this Maha Samadhi was just gonna like what could happen to one one minute and then I'd be gone and so that happened for about five days and then after that its subsided it gradually subsided I was able to sleep again and I came back to normal and I've been working to make sense of all this and to integrate all this for the last couple weeks so that's what happened believe it or not crazy crazy crazy experiments and consciousness make of it what you will I'm not gonna make claims here about who has achieved this who hasn't can you stabilize in it permanently or not is Maha Samadhi really possible or is it just a temporary thing what will happen after you do Maha Samadhi do you just stay there forever maybe you reincarnate back or go to some new dimension I don't know I don't know how the answer to these things the whole process has really humbled me it's opened up my eyes it's made me question every enlightened teacher and master that I've ever studied under or communicated with mmm made me question how deeply do they really understand reality it's left me with lots of insights memories right now I'm sort of back into my ordinary state but transformed more loving more understanding still frustrated you know one of the biggest frustrations is how how what do you what do you do after this how do you how do you how do you reach those levels of consciousness naturally in the sober state how do you make it permanent you see the thing is is that people who say that all well but Leo it wasn't permanent so it's not real but what do you understand is that the distinction between permanent and impermanent is complete [ __ ] there's no difference between permanent and impermanent that's your own imposition consciousness doesn't care if it's permanent or impermanent you could have full infinite God consciousness for one second and it's genuine it's exactly what it is it's infinite God consciousness it's absolute consciousness infinite omniscience for one second and then it's gone that doesn't mean it wasn't real it just means it was there and now it's not there you weren't fully awake now you're half asleep that's what it means can you be that awake all the time maybe I don't know what does it take to become that awake meditation yoga self inquiry more five of me I don't know I don't know maybe it's not possible at all in the human body maybe you have to put a gun in your mouth and shoot yourself I don't know there's a lot of possibilities so there's a lot of lessons from this that I'll be teaching I've still only scratched the surface of all the lessons that I learned in this 30-day retreats I'll be creating more videos in the future if I'm still here and if I'm still teaching I've had to really re-evaluate and reassess even not just how I teach or what I teach but whether I should even teach because Who am I teaching um there's nobody to teach since I'm only teaching myself what I'm fully awake there is no you there are no unenlightened people for me to to towaway if there's only my own awakening that's all there is when you awaken if you do you will realize that I'm just you and so is everybody else and that there is no Buddha and no christ and other enlightened masters there's only you either you are awake or you're not and of course there's many degrees of how awake you can be but but at the highest degrees it's all just you maybe there's nobody else but you so I will be teaching in the future probably more of these various lessons and insights that I learned here guiding you more probably my style will change a little bit hopefully it becomes a little more authentic more genuine more compassionate more loving deeper less games I want to play less games more teaching you how to love I would say my biggest if I had to boil all of this down my biggest single insight from this thirty days and the thing that I want you to remember for the rest of your life is the answer to the question of what is reality do you really want to understand what reality is do you want a definitive answer to what reality is there's only one word for it and the word is love that's it reality is love that's the highest thing that I've realized I think that's the highest thing you can realize and if you ever go as deep as I've gone I look forward to being there the moment you realize it because when you realize that you're love you'll realize that you're me and you'll realize that you as me years ago which is right now told you that reality is love and that that seed which was planted right now finally blossomed and bloomed and gave fruit many years later when you finally realized what I meant and of course what you realized is that I was you telling you that you are loved and that there is no such thing as Leo there never was a Leo Leo is just something you imagined as a vehicle to tell you that you're loved because you were so separated from your own self and from the world and from Leo that you created Leo and you believed in Leo as though Leo was real and separate from you and not just a figment of your own imagination because you were too afraid to realize that you are singular infinite love and that you needed this convoluted contorted process this game of hide and seek and separation you needed this because you weren't fully ready to accept the oneness that you are and it took you years it took you your entire lifetime it took you precisely every single step in your life from the moment you were born to the moment that you realize reality is love it took you all of that everything was necessary precisely to lead you to realizing that everything is love and that's what life is life is exactly those steps which are necessary for you to awaken to love what else would it be why would God bother to make anything else alright that's it I'm done here please click that like button for me if you would come check out my website check out the blog I dude I'm posting new stuff on the blog videos and exclusive content check that out I have a political video I recently posted what I think is pretty good that analyzes the Bernie Sanders loss and gives some insights to progressives from a meta perspective come check out the forum come ask me questions on the forum I answer them check out the life purpose course if you're interested in some practical advice for how to get your career and life purpose into shape and support me on patreon if you like I appreciate that helps me to do the research that I do you know like taking taking a month or two off is really really helpful for me to go deeper into this work and then I love then reciprocating that back to you guys so I'm not just like vacationing Tina I'm not just taking this time off to go to go to Hawaii or someplace usually I'm exploring something deep when I take time off so then I can I can share deeper insights with you and teach better and be a more pure teacher so that's that I just want to issue some warnings I guess here for the end which is a be very very careful not to turn the things I say into an ideology your mind is gonna want to cling to these things and turn this into a sort of a map or a model of awakening but the map in the model is not the territory as they say I don't expect you or even want you to believe the things that I say per se don't have faith in them I'm I'm just sharing possibilities with you if you're a curious open-minded person who's interested in understanding reality at the deepest levels you want to access omniscience you want to know what reality is you want to know what truth is you want to know what life is about and why you're here and why it's so crazy and why everything is the way that it is if you're really curious about that then that's what I offer you is I offer you ideas tools resources for how to how to do that I am NOT offering any kind of ideology here this is not a belief system this is not something you adopt this path will be very individual for for you guys for each one of you so be very careful you know even even the things that I say when I share my personal experiences like in this episode this not this might not be how it unfolds for you even if you go and do five Meo DMT it might work for you this way you may not experience all the things that I experienced because hey you know what I'm having my communications with God it's communicating to me in exactly the ways that I need for me to awaken so I have to go through what I'm going through what you might have to go through is different because you have a different personality you have a different genetics you have different life experiences different traumas different emotional problems and so forth so use the examples of my own journey just as examples don't let them constrain you to think like oh well it has to now unfold for me like you did for Leo no no no not at all it might unfold totally differently for you for you you may not need psychedelics for you you might not need five [ __ ] DMT for you you might just this through meditation or whatever so be open to your path looking significantly different than mine but overall we're going to converge we're gonna agree on you know on on many of these things we're gonna agree on infinite consciousness we're gonna agree on absolute truth we're gonna agree on God we're gonna agree on love and so forth these things no one really disputes these things it's just like how you get there and what the process looks like to get there and I guess the other thing I just want to stress to you is just be really really open to questioning the depth of your awakening whatever awakening you think you've already had just be open to the possibility that there's more wouldn't it be a shame for you to do all of this work and to get so far and to unravel all of this self-deception and to finally reach some amazing level of awakening only to miss one further level up from that see now you might say Oh leo but this is just chasing your now you're indulging in spiritual chasing how long are you gonna chase are you gonna keep chasing and chasing and chasing forever when does it end and the only thing I can tell you is that I don't know when it ends or where it ends maybe it has no end and if that means I chase forever than I chase forever or maybe at some point I reach an end then I reached an end and I'm gonna be there but my journey is not done yet I'm not satisfied yet there's a lot more my healing is still something I'm working on it has not been completed I still have those physical issues that I've talked about in the past my energy and chronic fatigue and thyroid stuff that's still a separate issue that I'm working on maybe I'll talk about that in a in a separate video on my blog so don't get the idea that I like I have reached the top and now I think I'm the best or something no it's it's not that at all it's just a question of how deeply do you really want to know what you are if you get satisfied easily then you're gonna have a little awakening then you're gonna stop thinking that you've gotten to the end so I just wanna leave you with that working alright that's it I'll see you the next one you